I had a moment in my life that was perfect.  I had a time when I was completely happy.  I had a time when I held everything I ever wanted in my hands.

My family was whole and complete.  Those I loved so deeply were close.  I held my baby in my arms, nursed her at my breast, slept with her by my side.  I envisioned her growing up, becoming a big sister and adding more babies to our family.

I made her a stocking on her 2nd birthday.  She had been gone for over a year.

Seth asked me the other day why Santa brings her gifts if she is dead.  I told him she doesn’t get gifts from Santa.  “So why does she have a stocking then?”.

I teared up.  Jeremy answered, “because she is part of our family”.

I miss that moment when my life was perfect. When I had everything I ever wanted.  When I had the most important thing of all…hope.

I miss that time when I held everything in my hands.  Now, no matter what I hold, it will never be enough.  It will never be her.

Linking up with Heather and Just Write.

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  1. no words can express the sadness I feel for you and the longing that you must feel each and every day for your little girl. I know that the pain I feel is so real for the twins I never held in my arms, but they will always be in my heart. I feel like there is a piece of me missing and that my family isn’t complete, but it will be one day when we are all reunited again on the other side of eternity. Much love to my friend. xo

  2. Prayers and love…that’s all I have to offer. Prayers that our Savior provides peace, hope, and joy to you this Christmas season. Blessings to you…

  3. Arianne says:

    Last night we decorated our tree. Mabel has a special ornament and she has a stocking too. My 7 year old got emotional hanging her ornament. Now that they have a little sister to hold, they are verbalizing even more what they are missing. “I wish Mabel was here so we’d have two baby girls to hold.” Me too, honey.

    I wish the holidays got easier instead of harder. Hugs mama. You know the hope we do have is that we’ll all be reunited someday. Even if that seems far away, it’s still truth. xoxo

  4. mommabird2345 says:

    Thinking of you today.

  5. I miss that life for you, and I just don’t understand it all. Love you.


  6. violetsouffle says:

    Nothing I can say would make it better for you, but I send all my love. Know I am holding you and your sadness, too- in my heart.

  7. Juli says:

    I don’t know what to say, but I did really want to comment. You are amazing, and a great example to the many grieving moms out there. Your strength during weak times is such a blessing.

  8. ats says:

    all my my love is directed at you right now this moment. Can you feel it? I love you sweet friend. xo

  9. Ann says:

    Holding you and your story in my heart.

  10. hyacynth says:

    Loving you from across the miles today, Kim. Because loss and grief and death, well, it all just plain stinks. Having lost babies we’ll never hold has given me the tiniest glimpse into the pain of losing a child who was in the arms, and please know that I’m praying for your mama heart.

    • hyacynth says:

      Sorry, comment posted by toddler hands before I could finish. And though I cannot imagine the pain and the gaping hole that was once filled being completely wide open, I pray that somehow, peace would come to your heart. xo

  11. Love you, sweetheart.

  12. Rachel says:

    Kim, my heat aches for you. I remember like it was yesterday. hugs for you

  13. Rachel says:

    I can’t type today.. my Heart aches for you, Kim….

  14. Ciara says:

    Your writing touches me so much. Praying for you today.

  15. tawnya says:

    I love you, friend.

  16. Claudia says:

    I wish I could do something more than feeling close to you and touched by your suffering. Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. Your baby will always be with you.

  17. Love to you.

  18. Susan says:

    I’m so sorry. It’s so incredibly unfair.

  19. Randy says:

    Your pain is my pain even though I know I don’t fully know it and it is Jesus’ pain. He knows your sorrow and shares it with you. Written through tears in my eyes. Love you, Jeremy and your little ones. You are in our prayers every day. DAD

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