Body Restoration: Week 1

My battle with my body image has been a constant in my life. Hearing that I was fat and ugly from my brother, comparing myself to my beauty queen sister, knowing I was not as pretty or as good at singing or piano as she was. Watching my Mother struggle with her weight. Going with her to Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, NutriSystem, etc. I don’t know if that planted the seeds of knowing my body wasn’t good enough, but I am sure it didn’t help.

I don’t remember when I first started hating my body, or being aware that it was not as good as others. I know it was in grade school. I remember being in dance class, and while I wasn’t the biggest girl in the class, I was very cognizant of my belly – the one that the fun skinny girls didn’t have.

As I grew into a teenager, I was never fat by any stretch of the imagination, but I felt it. I wore a size 8 jeans, was in cheerleading, track and swimming. I was healthy and fit. But, since I didn’t fit into the mold of the other girls wearing a size 1 or 2, I told myself that I was not as good as they were. I was ugly and fat.

I believed the lies that had been fed to me. This has continued into my adulthood and I am tired of it. I am tired of not believing in myself and tired of despising the way I look.

I don’t want my daughters to grow up with body issues the way I have. I watch my Mother and sister as  they obsess over their bodies, how much they ate, how they look, what clothes do and don’t fit…I don’t want that for my life. I don’t want for the first sentence out of my mouth when I see someone I love to be, “well? Can you see I’ve lost weight?”.

I am so much more than my body. 

I am more than this body that I obsess over. I am learning to believe my body is an amazing thing. This is something that is difficult for me to accept.  That my body, this place that houses my soul, this overweight, flabby, frizzy haired thing is amazing.

The first week of Body Restoration has been great. My homework for the week has been to thank my food whenever I eat. I am really good at doing it when it is something healthy. However, when I am eating my 4th no bake chocolate cookie, I am not thanking it.  It has made me much more aware of what I put in my mouth though.

Sweet Liberty has started thanking her food too. I love that. She will say, “thank you crackers for being so yummy” and if I forget, she is quick to remind me.

I have also had to write down everyday what my body does. Today my body…held my baby, nursed my baby, ran 5 miles, comforted a sick child, did laundry, hugged my husband, laughed with my children…the list goes on and on.  I am more than my body.

I am so much more than what you see.

The second part of the class this week was making our body book. This is a book that I will work on throughout the class. This is my book of collages, thoughts, and art projects.

This is a challenge as I try to unlock the artistic side of me. I am creative, but not with paper, paint, and pencils. Give me fabric or yarn and I can sew or knit something wonderful to express myself. Tell me to do it with a different medium than I am used to and it is an entirely different story.

I think this is good though. This forces me to step outside my comfort zone, to really think about what I am doing and why.

I am so much more than what you see. I am so much more than what I see. And I pray that I will soon really start to believe that.

*I was given tuition to Brave Girls Club Body Restoration class. All opinions, experiences, and healing that takes place are mine alone.

**Note – not my real eye color. I don’t know why I felt the need to disclose that, but I do.

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Comments

  1. Oh Kim this is so brave and amazing of you.

    Steph

  2. Rachel says:

    Kim, you are so strong. It is crazy, to me, that you don’t see it. I enjoy reading these thoughts. I was always the skinny girl. I never had to worry about what I ate. I was not a size 1 or 2 but I was comfy at a size 6. In the last 5 years or so that has changed. It is an everyday struggle for me to try to get the weight off and feel good about myself. I analyze everything I put in my mouth and when it’s ‘bad’ I beat myself up about it for days (or longer). I really admire you. YOU RAN 5 MILES??!!!! I cannot wait for the day that I can say that about myself! I have been walking and using an elliptical and hoping I can get up to running speed eventually. Keep the updates coming… you inspire me! :)

  3. Rachel says:

    ps… my point was that you are beautiful, awesome, strong, and an inspiration to so many. Why are we so hard on ourselves? It’s funny… I have never seen you as overweight. Really. When I see you or think of you, I only see my gorgeous friend, Kim. ♥

  4. Erin says:

    This is beautiful, brave, amazing. I’m going shopping for my supplies today!!

  5. nicole says:

    5 miles! Whoa Mama! I can’t believe how fast you have progressed! This was beautiful to read (well, the end. My heart breaks for the beginning.) and see. Thank you for being brave enough to share your journey.

  6. This is excellent. You got to it in your post, but the whole time I was reading, I was thinking, maybe….but look what your body can do/has done! Amazing!
    You are beautiful, inside and out, most especially that grin. Just gorgeous. I bet when you flash that smile at people, it just makes them happy. You do whatever you have to to be HEALTHY – but the beauty part you have down cold.

  7. Nan says:

    Thank you for sharing your journey through the class….I was given tuition to the class as well and just got started this morning. I am excited & scared…and will be following your posts for an extra boost!

  8. Elaine says:

    What Nicole said, 5 MILES!! WOOT!

    And I just LOVE this. What an amazing thing you are doing for yourself and yes, your children too… :)

  9. Martie says:

    I absolutely connect with you on so many levels. (Same type of childhood messages). I am also doing BR and am going to do a blog as well to work through these things. I keep forgetting the thanking and journalling part, but LOVED the body book project. Will try to remember to thank my food more ;)

    Thank you so much for sharing your journey!

  10. I am impressed with the five miles. The book looks great so far. Thanks for letting us follow you on this journey.

  11. Sister Cristin says:

    Well sister… again you inspire and amaze me. I read your words and I realize you and I, we have had the same struggles in different ways. I am only now, in my 40′s learning to love the body I have-with all its flaws, wrinkles, stretchmarks, cellulite etc- and giving it the credit it deserves. It has withstood all the abuse I have given it over the last 30 years while allowing me the opportunity to bear and nurse, hold, feed and love my 5 great kids. I will follow your example and be grateful for my food, begin writing in a journal again and learn to love the process and acceptance.

    I love you so much. Thank you for your strength.

    Dit

  12. Leslie says:

    I am taking this class, too. Thanks for sharing!

  13. Eydie says:

    Hi Kim,
    I saw you on FB today and wanted to stop by and say HI. We are both brave girls on this journey of learning to love and respect our bodies. I love your journal. I am almost finished with the first few pages of mine. Thanks for the inspiration.

  14. tawnya says:

    Did I tell you I’m taking the class? Just barely. Today. So I’m a weekish behind. The art is what scares me the most…

  15. Loved this. I could use this too. Wait, more than could… I NEED IT!

    Thank you for sharing.

  16. LOVING THIS!!!! So proud of you!!!

  17. Tania says:

    Thanks for your kind words of welcome on my blog – MidnightBlue.

    I applaud your journey discovering the beauty that lurks just beneath the surface. Look forward to meeting you at Blissdom :)

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