In the last 3 weeks I have run 28.5 miles. I have almost run a marathon. It has been hard. I have wanted to quit (several times). I have pushed myself harder than I have in a long time.
I am getting stronger. I am learning this is so mental. Physically I can do this, I am slow, but I can do this.
I prefer running early in the morning when everyone is still asleep. That way I am not worried about people seeing me on the road. I am not thinking about what a fatty I am, or what people are thinking seeing the fat girl running.
I am able to focus on my breath, think about my day, and keep telling myself with each step “I am strong enough”. That is my mantra for this year.
I am strong enough. I am strong enough to run. I am strong enough to change. I am strong enough to love myself.
Jeremy asked me the other day why I don’t love myself. I told him I don’t see much to love. I see a Mother who yells at her children. I see a wife who doesn’t get the dishes and laundry done or dinner on the table in time. I see a woman who has completely lost herself. I see a woman who has lost faith in so much, who is so beaten down and tired. I see a failure.
He shook his head and said, Do you know what I see? At this point I turned on my hair dryer because I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to know what he sees. I didn’t want to hear anything good about myself, because I just can’t believe it right now. He talked anyway, and now I wish I had listened. Right now I need to know what he sees. Why does he love me when I can’t find a way to love myself?
I don’t set resolutions anymore. I don’t feel that they work. However this year, I am going to change myself for the better. I am going to repeat to myself on every run, I am strong enough. I can do this. I am worth it.
By the time my training is done I will have run 269.5 miles. Then I will run 13.1.
I am strong enough. I am good enough. I am worth it.
linking up with Just Write
You are worth it! Keep at it, you will be so proud of yourself. I am trying to get to a place where I think I am worth it, too. I eat healthily when I am pregnant, but I NEVER do it for me. Why is that? I need to learn how to do it for myself. How did you get there?
Oh, Kim we are so alike. I would never want to run with anyone but wish I could go running with you.
Steph
I love to see “chubby” people out exercising. It is fantastic! I think to myself, “See, they are getting themselves out and doing something about it, I can too!” Especially when the same people are running the same route for awhile and I notice their body changing. I want that for me!! and you don’t have to say “I can do this… you should say, I AM doing this!!” Good job! Thanks for the motivation!! Love ya!
I have been there, lost in the negative cycle of my inner thoughts. The only way they changed was by my efforts to consiously change them. Perspective is a funny thing, I didn’t know when mine was off until I almost lost it all.
Now I live in each day, just one day at a time. And I’ve learned to love myself by doing the simple things and not comparing myself to anyone else……most days
Your are right…it is all mental. I see an adorable, cheery faced girl, a fantastic friend, a laid back, fun Mom (who lets her kids make messes/memories, who lets her little girls dress themselves, who embrases each of her own kids as their own selves (I could not figure out how to phrase that one…hope you get it though)), a phenomenal artist, an amazing woman who would do anything to help a friend get through rough times….In other words, you rock Kim! I am sorry that you do not see the awesome you that the rest of us get to see! You are right…you can do this! you are strong enough! and you are TOTALLY worth it!
and p.s. As a trainer whenever I see overweight people exercising it often makes me teary that they are out doing things to be active! I never ever would think ‘oh look at that fatty trying to run’…never ever. Everyone starts somewhere…whether it is a Mom trying to loose the extra baby weight, a naturally thin person trying to strengthen their heart, a person trying undo months or years of poor eating/exercise habits…we never know the other person on the road story no matter what they look like on the outside. Everyone starts somewhere. Love you friend and I am very proud of you and amazingly amazed at how many miles you have logged so far! WOW!
p.s. I love your friends comment that says, “you ARE doing this”. That is a great one!
Kate’s comments are so true! I sent you and email with the rest of my comments. Love you – DAD
Stupid husbands, trying to make us feel good about ourselves when we don’t feel that way at all. Who knew compliments could be so aggravating? My husband does the same thing, and it’s hard to listen, but usually once I do I feel a lot better… Even if I don’t agree with him.
Love this, Kim. Real. Honest. Vulnerable. The best of what blogging is….<3
Love this, relate to it with every fiber of my being.
{Go you!!}
You are beautiful. Let us all learn a lesson from your post. I did. I think I will join you.
I love your face. I am so SO SO SOOOOO proud of you, I want to use expletives and yell out loud and beat my chest how proud I am of you. I cannot wait to give birth to be able to run with you, sweetie.
Go ask him!
I am so proud of you for doing this. It is so much mental! And the fact that you are doing it when you don’t really feel you are worth it is so amazing. That is when it is hardest.
I am inspired by anyone I see exercising. Big or small, fit or not, when I see someone (especially someone running outside!) exercising I am inspired to do more. I have no excuses not to work out faithfully. I have a gym membership, with childcare, and very few obligations most days, so going to the gym should be easy. But sometimes it is not.
Keep going Kim!
Kim I am right there with you!! My whole life!! Not being able to love myself because I think as women we are often beaten to the ground whether it be by us or by others. I was laying off the sugar and soda and walking every day and trying to lose weight…..and could “see” I was but it was not good enough for me. I wouldn’t take compliments because I thought people were just being “nice”. Then after a lesson in RS one of our sweet sisters came up to me and said, “SAY IT–JUST SAY IT!” I looked at her like “you do not know what I am thinking”. And before I could say anything she said, “Tell yourself you love yourself!! Say it!” I looked at her with tears starting to form and said, “I can’t. I just can’t” She said, “We do and so does Heavenly Father.” I have never forgotten those words to me. Because I like you in so many of the same ways and different ways (I don’t have kids or husband etc.) I feel like a failure. I finally took the advice of Donny Osmond (okay that should not surprise you)…..he said his wife told him, “It is okay not to have a “perfect show” to have a mediocre show….because what is average to us is amazing to others.” So now I remember two things, first I do the best I can and try not to overwhelm myself, and two I try harder to tell myself I love myself……I have been able to say it a few times and it does help and get easier. Know you are so loved….remember you are a daughter of God and remember you are my sister that I love very much!! Hugs Girl!! Think I may have to find you on Sunday and lay a hug on you….SO BEWARE!!!
What Steph said.
And also, you are more gorgeous than you will ever know.
I love you. Don’t turn your hair dryer on next time. And then believe him.
Awe this made me cry! I have felt the very same way but I’m with you… I CAN change & I WILL do this!!!
You are strong enough. You can do this. You are worth it.
I triple heart puffy love you.