The late summer sun beats through my window and I can feel the days growing closer. The sun takes on the same golden shade as it was 9 years ago and I know, it is almost here.
The kids are gearing up for back to school. I’m just glad they don’t start on her day again this year. I’m glad I can hide from the world for most of the day. Of course I will still have to pretend everything in my world is perfect and wonderful when we go meet their teachers that afternoon.
Always on her day. Something always comes up and I can’t give it just to her. Every of the last 9 years.
Sometimes I want to give in to my grief. I want to cry, scream, shrink and just stop. I want to curl up in a ball and stay that way for an entire month.
But I fear I wouldn’t be able to get up.
So I keep going. I trudge on. I make beds, brush teeth, bathe children. I wash dishes, laundry, diapers and hands. I sweep, vacuum, dust and mop. I make breakfast, lunch and dinner. I just keep going, because I really have no choice.
Most of the time I am fine. I really am. I am good at distracting myself and keeping myself happy(ish).
There are times and seasons though when the grief creeps in and despite my best efforts, I can not keep it at bay. I talk to her while I run. I think of her while I swim. I pray while I ride. All in an effort to allow myself time to miss her, while not taking away from the 5 people here on earth who need me so badly.
I am fine…except when I’m not and right now, I’m just missing my baby.
I really want to hug the crap out of you right now and feed you chocolatey sweet things while giving you endless tissues with which to blow your nose and wipe your eyes. Love you xo
Thanks Lisa. I want that too. But I don’t have the luxury of any of that as there is the neverending stream of people who need me. Someday I will get to sit down and cry. Just not today.
I’m sorry, Kim. I’m so glad you’ve carved out time to remember her, talk to her, grieve her, and pray. I’m thinking of you, friend. xo
Thank you so much Christy. xo
You are in my thoughts.
Thank you.
You are always in my heart, but especially right now. I love you.
Thank you my darling friend. I love and miss you so much. Give Ro a big hug for me.
I am so sorry! The finding time during your exercise impresses me. You are such a good mom and wife. Your posts scream it. I am sorry you have to face this heartache!
Thanks Tauni. I’ve not been exercising the way I should/need/want lately, and I think that lends to my sad attitude.
Kim, I am so comforted to hear you say this, not that I want you to be sad but to know that it’s not just me. It is creeping up on 5 years for us and I feel like I’m the only one remembering, the only one stuck in grief while everyone moves forward. I’m so sorry the days are hard right now and I wish for you some quiet time to dedicate just to remembering her.
It gets easier, but it doesn’t. There are reminders everywhere. There is the constant knowing that life keeps going while part of you is stuck.
Much love to you as you approach hard times too. xo
This was beautiful.
Giving you a hug from here… xoxo
You’ve been on my mind. Thinking of you lots.
Hugging you from here and wishing I could do it in person. Love you.
Your words are beautiful and I know writing them helped you and I am sure that they will comfort another who has lost a little one too. I find comfort that she lives on, just not here where you can hold her and hug her and scold her and uplift her. She is watching you I am sure and knows more that any of the rest of us, the love you have for her. I am sure she also waits with great anticipation for the day that she be back in her physical body, being raised by you and Jeremy and to experience your loving mothering that all the rest of your children enjoy now. It is through Christ that all things are possible,. Lean on Him until you and she are once again united and the day of the resurrection when all your dreams concerning her will come true. I love you.