My fingers and toes are painted. I have been putting on makeup and fixing my hair everyday. My clothing choices are just those, choices. I am taking time to pick out something with thought rather than the first thing that will hide my rolls curves.
I am trying to make myself feel better by looking better. I am making more of an effort hoping that my feelings will match what I am showing the world.
It is no secret around here that I have been quietly struggling lately. My posting frequency has decreased as my personal journal writing has increased. There is much I do not share in this public place. There is much I keep in my heart and soul.
Jeremy and I are starting counseling tomorrow. Neither of us know what to expect, I have only ever done counseling on my own. I know into every life a little rain (or a huge storm) must fall. It is falling here and we need some help building a boat to help us float.
Too often I have been the scaffolding for everyone in my life. I build them up, hold them up, encourage, love and support. I love that I can do that, but what happens when I need that support? What happens when I am feeling so depleted that I just can not give one more ounce? That is where I am now.
I am headed to Utah for a mental health break this weekend. I plan on doing nothing more than sitting on couches of my siblings, eating good food, laughing, talking and just relaxing. I will have Elliott with me, but it will be so very nice to have some time to focus on me, what I need and what I want.
I am going to be okay, we are going to be okay. I know this is just part of marriage…life. Just like a race there are the hills and valleys. It is so very hard getting up those hills and sometimes you are panting and thinking you will never reach the top. When you finally do you feel so great and get to cruise down the hill. Right now I am facing a steep uphill climb, but I know once I reach the top it will be so very worth it.
Oh, Kim, I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling. John and I have faced numerous hills in our marriage, some steeper than others. I sincerely hope and pray that counseling will help you in the way that it helped us. We are so much stronger and better for it. It sucks and it’s hard when you’re going through rough times, but to be able to look back and think “Man, if we could conquer that, we can get through anything!” is a great feeling.
Have fun in Utah, rest and relax. Vacation can sometimes be a great time to reflect on life and do some introspective thinking. I usually come back renewed and knowing what changes I want to make in my life.
I’ll keep you in my prayers.
((Hugs))
Thanks Nicole. I look back at all we’ve already been through and know we can get through this. I know we will and we will be stronger for it. Just right now is so very hard.
Love you friend.
Hugs to you Kim. I have been in the dark place of not having anything more to give and needing to, just for once, for a while, be the one receiving some care.
I hope counselling gets you to wherever you need to be. Enjoy your weekend away.
Thank you Laurie. It is so hard to admit when we need help, isn’t it? I look forward to having my batteries recharged for sure.
Love you and praying for you.
I love you…you know that. If I can support in ANY way let me know. And if you feel the urge to get off the couch for a few min this weekend, give me a call. (sushi maybe??)
Kim- you are wonderful. You have certainly faced and overcome so many challenges in your life that no one else ever has to deal with. I admire the woman and mother you are. Have a fabulous time in Utah!
So the good thing is, that with all the bike riding and exercising you’ve been doing, the steep uphill climb will be a little easier. Or at least you won’t pass out at the top.
Going to counseling together shows your strength and faith in the relationship. As my uncle said when he officiated our wedding, “Love is a verb – you work at it and you choose to engage every day.” Big hugs for your honesty.
My prayers are with you as always…I DO feel your pain, babe…
I’ve been going to therapy for many mannnnny issues. They are issues dealing with my depression, my bi polar disorder, my temper, my need to forgive…the list goes on and on. It had caused a deep rift in my marriage and I knew that if I didn’t get help I was going to sink this ship all on my own. It’s been hard and my husband has been such a trooper for the last ten years but I can see the stress on his face…hear the unhappiness in his voice in the form of impatience…I did that to him. It hurts me deeply to say that but I’m fixing me first, then we will work on US as a team. Much love and prayers my dear friend. We are all there with you.
Oh I hope you have the best break. I do have to say that our move has been pretty good for me to be on my own- no one that needs me here… yet.
Steph
Oh, sweetie. I’m so so sorry. I hate the down times. I hate the issues. I hate having to work on things. Prayer and work and you’ll be ok. And if you ever need a sounding board, know I’m here. Hugs!
So glad to see you taking care of you! Hope all is well and know that I’m here if you need anything. Miss you bunches!! XOXO
awe Kim…I wish we lived closer..I would have known about your feelings earlier. I hopefully would have been able to help. even as just an ear or a sitter to give you a break. I miss you friend. You are always in my thoughts.
I meant to text you and I never did. You’ve been on my mind. I have lots of thoughts about lots of things and I can’t really explain or express them. I do think that all the time I’ve been spending running and training and so on has given me a lot of time to think. And to wonder where I am and where I am going and who I am. I’m rediscovering myself outside of my identities as wife and mother and that means there is some tension at times. We’re all trying to figure out where we are now. So I’m thinking of you. Feel free to send a text whenever you need to.