It’s different this time. I’ve been pregnant 5 other times, I know the drill. I know what to expect, I know what to feel. But this time, something is very different.
I am not sick. Like, at all.
Exhausted? YES! Sore boobs? YES! Sick? Nope.
Now, those of you who get dreadfully sick, I am sure you are rolling your eyes at me right now. I should just take it and be happy.
And I do, and I am…it’s just…
In the quiet moments when I allow my mind to wander, I worry. I worry I will lose this baby. I worry there will be something very wrong with this child who is causing me so little pregnancy grief. I worry I am not really pregnant. I have nightmares that involve blood, tears and a tiny tiny baby. I worry, worry, worry.
So I take way too many pregnancy tests. I take them to reassure myself that my exhaustion is not just from being the mother to 4 very busy children, but because I am growing yet another child in my womb. It gives me my peace of mind for a minute.
I never knew how much I relied on being sick with the last 5 babies. I never realized the peace of mind it offered, that as long as I am sick the baby is okay. We hear that all the time, don’t we? If you’re sick, that’s a good thing, you know the baby is okay then. So what does that mean for me and my little grape sized resident? Does that mean s/he is not okay? Does that mean there is something dreadfully wrong?
Or does it just mean I am getting a break this pregnancy? Does it just mean The Lord knows I am tired, busy and don’t have time to be oh so sick this time? Jeremy says it is because I am in better shape this time than I have been with any of the other children. I think he’s just trying to make me feel better.
I don’t know – but until I start showing, feeling my uterus and feeling those fluttery kicks, I will keep taking tests. Those two little lines give me more peace of mind than I can describe.