I’ve started a thousands posts in my head in the last month. Words that won’t be uttered aloud. Thoughts that were not processed here. It is strange. I haven’t known what to say here. I have struggled with sharing yet another part of my soul.
I don’t know what I want with this space. I don’t know where I fit.
I’ve often been proud to be a “no niche” blogger. I can write about anything and everything and not worry that I am straying from the content I should be producing. I do love that. But it also leaves me out in the cold sometimes.
I am friends with many good Christian blogger women. We love to laugh and share online and at conferences, but I am not included in their blogging worlds. They have sites where they write, they have get aways, and they always have a roommate at conferences. As much as I love these women and reach out to them, there is one thing that keeps us apart. I am Mormon, therefore they see me as a “different Christian” and I am left out in the cold.
Then there are the Mormon bloggers. What a great group of women. They shine, they craft, they paint, they create, and they blog it all. For those not in the Mormon culture, you probably wouldn’t notice their religion unless they have it posted on their sidebar, or explicitly mention it in posts. But I can look at a blog, a few pictures, and read a line and know. I know who they are, because I have been around these amazing women my entire life. These amazing women who I have always felt inferior to and have never quite fit with.
I am open, I am honest, I am blunt. I am wounded, I am real, I am me.
I am still figuring this out. After 6 1/2 years, what do I want to do here? Sometimes I want to take the whole thing down and start from scratch. Change everything, focus on just a few things that are dear to my heart. I need a makeover both online and personally.
2012 gave me confidence I’ve never had before. I learned I really can do hard things. My body is amazing and strong and I am so grateful for it. While I have worked on my body though, my Spirit was suffering. In the last 4 months though, I have really been working on that – working on my Spirit. I know that when I do, and when I am happier with that part of my life, I won’t care where I fit or don’t fit.
I feel that 2013 is going to be a game changer for me, both personally and professionally. With the addition of baby surprise, who knows what can happen in these parts.