He looks at me, clearly frustrated, with anger in his eyes.
You don’t love me as much as you love them,
I get in trouble for things they never do. You think they are perfect and I am dirt.
This cuts to my very core. I should run to him, hold him, rock him and tell him he’s wrong.
Instead I yell. Not my finest moment indeed,
but I am tired of this conversation. It is the same one we have every day.
He doesn’t believe me. He can’t accept his poor choices are the reasons for getting in trouble.
All he sees, in his 8 year old eyes, are his sisters and baby brother playing and happy,
as he is grounded, in time out, or losing privileges.
I am so tired of the fighting, so weary of the frustration, so over not knowing what to do.
I wrack my brain, looking for an answer.
I spend so much time on my knees, in constant prayer.
I try so hard to remember when he stopped singing.
My Mom used to tell me, He sings because he is happy.
He used to sing all the time. Star Wars, Harry Potter, Primary songs, he was always singing.
When did that stop?
When did he become so miserable? And how did I not notice?
All he wants is more attention. I give as much as I humanly can
but he is not the only one who needs me.
Tonight my heart is breaking.
As he slept, I crawled into his bed next to him.
I told him I loved him, I told him I needed him, I told him he is my heart.
He, the child who came to me when I was in my darkest hour,
he, the one who healed me and began to help me become whole once again,
he, the child who saved my life,
He is my heart.
I just wish I could help him see that.
I just wish he could see himself as I do.
I just wish I knew how to help him.
Oh boy, do I wish I had the answers. I think you just keep loving him like you do and some day he will realize it more than he does now. And keep praying of course too.
I feel this way with Ben sometimes too. It’s hard, I know….
Love you…
I think this is a turning-point age, because Gray is a lot like this, too. He thinks everyone hates him and can’t be convinced otherwise. But in small pockets of time I can bring him back and he’s happy, or at least he forgets for a little while. I long for those moments.
Steph
Oh, such hard, impossible questions. I hope you are able to find some answers.
I am behind on my commets to you. first, your christmas sounded like my worst nightmare! urgh! so so so sorry! I am glad you are all feeling better. second, this post made me cry. this is the part of parenting i was not expecting. I mean you worry like crazy when they are babies, but it feels different than this kind of worry. I wish I had an idea or an answer for you, but it’s these things that I find so hard to know what is the best thing to do. I am sorry Kim. I love Seth. I hope this is just a short phase that he is going through and then the old Seth will be back. You are an amazing Mom…he is lucky to have you Kim! xoxo. oh and third….yeah for the heartbeat! Pretty soon he/she will start moving around big enough for you to feel…that was always comforting to reach that point to me.