10 years. How in the world has it been 10 years since I last held you? In that time we have moved, a lot. You have gained 5 siblings – one who looks just like you. 10 years – a whole decade. So much has happened in the world in 10 years. All things you don’t get to experience.
You should be starting 5th grade on Monday. Your last year of elementary school. We should have met your teacher last night and been excited to see if any of your friends were in your class.
Instead I was excited to take Seth and Amelia and kept that hole in my heart and voice in my head quiet. Just like I do anytime I think of what you’d be doing today.
Today I take Libby to meet her preschool teacher and drop off supplies. Something I never got to do with you. Something I never will do with you.
It is hard watching your siblings grow and do things you never did. While I am so grateful to have each of them and am beyond grateful that they get to experience all that life has to offer – I miss you. I miss doing all of those things with you. I miss watching you grow. In every family picture or group shot of your siblings I always see an empty spot – a spot where you would have fit perfectly. I imagine you in that spot, in our home, in our daily lives.
Zachary looks so much like you. You were my earliest and smallest baby. He was my latest and my biggest…and could be your twin. I will love watching him grow, seeing what you would have looked like. But I will not ever compare him to you – that is not fair to either of you.
I miss you. I miss knowing who you were going to be, I miss the dynamics of how our family should have been, I miss my 10 year 8 month old daughter.
Time helps all pain, but I never stop grieving, I never stop missing, I never stop wanting you here.
You are forever mine and I forever yours.
Until we meet again…
I love you baby girl,