Enough

February 22, 2012 By 3 Comments

My bags are packed, almost.

The children all have places to go and are excited. Mostly.

I am ready for my sessions, kind of.

I have sewn my little heart away and am complete satisfied with my efforts for the handmade market…except I’m not.

I am up to date in my Body Restoration work – oh wait, no I’m not. I am so terribly behind.

No matter how hard I try, I am never ready, I am never completely satisfied with my efforts.  There is always something more I can do. I am always striving to be better, to do better, to be more and to do more.

It is hard to remember that I am enough. That my offerings are enough. If I have done my best, done everything I could and know that, it will be enough.

When I hear the little whispering to my soul that it isn’t good enough, that I should have done more, that I am failing…I know where that comes from. I know it is not from God. I know that it is not from someone who loves me and is so very forgiving.

My children know I try. My husband knows I try. God knows I try and I know I try.

And that is really all that matters.

I’m a day late, but linking up with Just Write all the same.

Filed Under: Body Restoration, Brave Girls Club, Just Write, my life

Filling my Cup

February 13, 2012 By 4 Comments

I am a week behind in my Body Restoration work, but that is okay. I needed an extra week to spend on how I view myself and others. I needed that extra week to really think about this glorious body I have been given and my soul that resides in it.  Now I am ready to talk about food, or better yet, how I nourish my body and soul.

How do you spend the majority of your time? How are you filling your cup? How are you nourishing your body and soul?

These are all questions I have had to really think about this week. What am I doing?

I will admit, I spend way too much time online. When I am here, I have no less than 3 tabs open at a time. Always email, Facebook and Twitter. Then, there are the tabs I am actually working on – blog posting, writing for Babyhold, reading blogs, searching for something for my children or husband…the list goes on and on and on.

I have noticed I am filling my cup with too much virtual life and not enough real life. I am trying to nourish my soul with things that aren’t really important instead of focusing on what is important – the people around me.

I have made a conscious effort this week. I am closing the tabs, I am turning off the Facebook and Twitter updates on my phone, I am turning off and tuning in to my family, my friends, to real life relationships. Just as I tell my kids, there is a time and a place for everything; I am just trying to figure out what the time and place for my online world is.  It is a work in progress, absolutely, but it is something that will benefit everyone.

Food has always been a big thing for me. I celebrate with food. I mourn with food. I eat when I’m happy, sad, bored, tired…did you see hungry in there? Yeah, me either. I don’t eat when I am hungry. I don’t listen to my body tell me it’s hungry, I just eat to eat…or at least I did.

Just like any addict, I have an unhealthy relationship with my addiction – food. I blame the food. I tell the brownies/cookies/cake/chocolate/ice cream that it is it’s fault for being so good. I punish myself and don’t make it, yet complain the whole time, “No sorry, I can’t have that. I am off sugar.” all the while feeling like such a martyr.

I am realizing it is not the food that is the problem. It is me. It is how I view that food.

God has given us food to nourish and strengthen our bodies. He has given us food to help us to have the energy and fuel we need to accomplish the tasks He has given us. When I look at it like that, it causes me to think twice about what I am putting into my body.  What am I trying to do with this handful of chocolate chips? Am I trying to fill a void? Am I really going to fuel my body with that? What would I say to my children if they wanted that?

As you can see, I am a work in progress, I have a lot I am mulling over and a lot I am working on. I imagine this week’s work will take me more than one week. This is a hard one. To turn off, and find the things that will nourish my body and soul.

Now I am going to go drink my green smoothie and really enjoy it. I am going to enjoy it and think about the good it is doing for my body.

What are some things you do to nourish your body and soul?

*Brave Girls Club gave me tuition to the Body Restoration course. All words, opinions and healings are mine alone.

 

Filed Under: Body Restoration, Brave Girls Club, my life Tagged With: , ,

Body Restoration Week 3: Sometimes I Slip and Fall

January 30, 2012 By 3 Comments

This has been a rough week. As I mentioned in my last post, I am up to my eyeballs with life and sometimes I feel as if I am drowning.

Trying to find the time to get everything done I need to takes it’s toll and there are times I don’t know if I am coming or going.  I’ve been trying to prioritize what needs to be done versus what needs to be done and can wait a bit.

This week my body work suffered. I watched my week 3 lesson and printed out the handouts, that is as far as I have gone though. I haven’t done my collages yet, or answered my questions. There just hasn’t been time.

My body journal has also been suffering. I had been so diligent about adding to my body journal every day. Even if I was in bed, I would remember, get up and go write. I haven’t written in days…and I can tell.

I have started the negative self talk again. That talk that had virtually disappeared when I was honoring my body everyday, it is back.

The feeling like a failure, the feeling of not being good enough, not being enough at all.  The overwhelming feelings of “if only I were more like her…”

This week’s lesson was all about how we as a society see women as body parts. We see her legs, her eyes, her smile, her perfect hair, her great stomach…we don’t see the person as a whole being, as a soul. I am guilty of picking apart others, but more than that, I pick apart myself. I assume what others think when they see me.

While running my 6 mile run on Friday, I saw these 3 cute Moms with their little babies. I was at mile 5 and had hit a wall. I hurt, I was tired, my form was awful and I just wanted to be at home with Elliott and Libby, not out running. I saw them approaching and immediately the negative self talk started, “I bet they think you are single or without kids because you are running in the middle of the day. They probably think you are fat with no reason, fat single girl. Their tummies are all flat, look how young their babies are.” I got that far and stopped myself. I remembered what I had learned the night before in my class – no woman was born to be picked apart.  Then I added, even me.

This week will not be any less busy than last week, but I am determined to get my body work done. I am finding what is most important, what my soul needs to thrive. Doing my body work, reading my scriptures, playing with my children, running…those are the most important things. My other wants and desires can wait a little bit. Finding what needs to be done versus what needs to be done and can wait a bit – this is the trick.

Sometimes I slip and fall, but the important thing is that I get up, dust myself off, and keep going.

*I was given tuition to Body Restoration from Brave Girl’s Club.  All words and healing are my own.

Filed Under: Body Restoration, Brave Girls Club, my life Tagged With: ,

Sometimes even Super Woman* gets overwhelmed.

January 26, 2012 By 5 Comments

We should sign the kids up for swim lessons, he said. Oh yeah, why not? We did it last Winter and it was so fun!

Except last Winter I was homeschooling, so it didn’t matter what time they went to bed. Last Winter only two were in swim lessons, and they were usually at the same time, two days a week. Last Winter I wasn’t half as busy as I am this Winter.

This Winter we have swim lessons every day. With three children in three different levels, we are there every day. Monday and Wednesday is Amelia, Tuesday and Thursday are Libby and Seth.

We come home from school, have snack, do homework, watch a little Tom and Jerry, then it is out the door to lessons. We roll in the driveway on Monday and Wednesday at about 6:15. Tuesdays and Thursdays we are home at 7:15. There is just enough time for a quick shower for those who swam, dinner and bed.

I get them to bed and then I contemplate what I need to do. I need to write, I need to sew for the Handmade Market at Blissdom, I need to do my Body Restoration work, and I need to run.

Running has been the only thing I have been able to do on my nightly to-do list. Elliott has gone from sleeping from 8-12 in his crib, to 8-10. Two hours isn’t a lot of time to get a run in and get anything else done.  He is teething, he is cranky, he just wants me, but I am tired and overwhelmed and have so much to do.

I try not to get upset. I snuggle him, I nurse him, I fall asleep and promise myself that tomorrow I will do my Body Restoration homework, sew a skirt or two, do the laundry, do the dishes, and make everything work the way it’s supposed to.

I keep telling myself once swim lessons are done and we are not in such a hurry after school it will be better.  I tell myself that and then remember soccer starts in March.

Oy.

*I am not now nor will I ever claim to be super anything, except super scattered and crazy and overwhelmed.

Filed Under: Blissdom, Body Restoration, Brave Girls Club, handmade market, my life, the kidlets Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Body Restoration Week 2: I Can Do Hard Things

January 23, 2012 By 20 Comments

You are ugly. You are fat. You’re so dumb. Why can’t you do that right? Why can’t you get your act together? What is wrong with you? It’s not that hard. Everyone else can lose the weight, why can’t you? Stop being so lazy.

If I ever heard my children saying these things to each other, or to themselves, I would come unglued. How dare they talk about someone else or themselves that way? That is absolutely inappropriate – we love and build and nurture each other, not tear each other down.

But, in one form or another, this has been the running dialogue in my head for the last 30 years. I have believed these things so deeply I never thought I could change.  I never thought I could look past the negativity that clouds my vision, to see the positive and beauty all around.

This week I made a conscious decision to take off the “terrorist glasses” as Body Restoration calls them, and see what is all around me.  I decided to stop focusing on the negative and see myself for what I am.

I am a woman, a Mother, a wife, a lover, a friend, I can do hard things, I have done hard things, I encourage, I create, I lift up, I can sew, I can sing, I can write, I try, I can run, I can walk, my body is amazing even if it is not what I want it to be yet. I am amazing. I am a child of God.

I have noticed a shift in my thinking in the last 2 weeks. Writing everyday what my body has done is an amazing practice. To see all the things I have done and was only able to do because I have this amazing body.

::::

On Saturday morning I was up at 6 am. Jeremy and I got on our running duds, woke the children, got them dressed, and loaded up in the car. We were ready. I had been training, he had not, but we were both going to run a 5K.

It was cold on Saturday morning. My children have gotten very accustomed to these Texas “Winters” where it rarely dips below 60, but we bundled them up and they were ok…kind of. Thankfully a good friend met us there, took our kids to her car to stay warm, and brought them out to cheer us on as we left and came back.

We lined up and I found my girl, Lisa. Lisa is the one who has really encouraged me to start running. She does it and loves it. I have told her that I would never be a runner, but here I am. She encouraged me to apply for the HEB Zooma Texas Girlfriend’s Program, which is how I am training for my half marathon. She is an amazing friend to have and such an inspiration.

We lined up for the race to begin and I told Jeremy he didn’t have to stay with me. I wanted him to see what he could do, and so did he. So, we started out together, but shortly he took off and I was left with Lisa and the 10,000 Maniacs crooning in my ear that These Are The Days.  And they are.

Lisa and I pushed each other the first half. Then she did her thang and took off and made herself a Personal Record (YAY LISA!!!). I kept pushing myself, as long as I could see her I kept going, and also made a personal record for myself (YAY ME!).

I finished. My kids were there cheering me on as I came in. I heard my friend Candida’s voice in my head at the very end saying, “Run girl! RUN RUN RUN! Pick up those knees and kick up those heels!” When we run together she pushes me at the end to sprint it in. She was standing there with my kids and I heard her over Maroon 5 telling me to push it, and I did.

I can do hard things. I have an amazing body that lets me run.

:::

The shift in my thinking is a slow process. But, I noticed something as I was running. I wasn’t comparing myself to the other runners. I was doing my best and took pride in knowing I was doing it. I saw other runners and walkers and felt so much pride for each of them. I wanted to shout, “YAY!!! We are DOING THIS!”

There was a guy near the end who was walking it. He was very overweight, but he was doing it. I wanted to tell him how proud of him I was. He was making a choice, making a change and is amazing.

I think of my attitude about running a month ago. I didn’t want to run during the day because I didn’t want anyone to see me. I didn’t want anyone to see my fat rolls, my jiggly body as I ran. Now, I want everyone to see me. I want to show the world that I am breaking free from this negativity that has held me hostage for so many years.

I want to shout it from the rooftops that I am free.

 

*Brave Girls Club has given me tuition to the Body Restoration class. All words and opinions are mine.

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Filed Under: 5K, body image, Body Restoration, Brave Girls Club, exercise, half marathon training, my life, zooma Tagged With: , , , ,
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