Missing Her

May 6, 2013 By 4 Comments

Every day at naptime and on the occasions I do bedtime with Elliott, I play a songlist for him. It has relaxing music, some of his favorites and some of mine. Many of the songs are ones I played for Emma. As I play them for Elliott, I feel him start to relax and the baby in my womb start to dance.

It makes me miss her so much. To hear the songs I used to play to calm her down, the ones I made words up to, the ones we listened to together – it makes the hole in my heart more pronounced. But it also makes me feel so much closer to her, so I continue to do it.

Sometimes I still close my eyes and imagine I am back in my apartment in Kansas. That she is asleep next to me and my life is as it was. I allow myself to pretend that she never left and that she is still by my side. I imagine I am 10 years younger and Jeremy and I are just starting out our lives together. None of the pain or heartache has happened and we are good, whole, complete.

Other times I will pretend she is still here, just at a friend’s house. I imagine what it would look like to have me leave the school with 5 children, very pregnant with the 6th. What would that be like? What would it be like to have a 10 1/2 year old to spend time with, get to know and have around the house? Today when a stranger asked how old all of my children were I told her 10 1/2, 8, 6, 4 and 2. I liked living that dream for a minute. I liked having someone think that was my reality. I liked not having their pity for a moment.

I have noticed this every pregnancy…as my birthing time draws nearer, I miss my oldest so much more. During my pregnancies I often look back to my previous pregnancies. I remember what it was like to carry each of my children in my womb. What it felt like, how active they were, how tired I was, what it was like. I reflect on each of them and my love for my children grows. As I remember Emma’s, I remember all the firsts – first pregnancy test, first movements, first time my water broke, first birth, first everything. And I miss her.

Today I miss her. Tomorrow I will miss her, just as I did yesterday and everyday before that. Grief is never ending. While it is not always in the forefront of my mind, there are days, moments and stretches of time when it is particularly difficult. The last few days have been like that. I just miss my girl.

Filed Under: angel baby, grief, my life

Where has the week gone?

May 3, 2013 By 1 Comment

This morning as I was driving the kids to school Amelia said, “Mom? Sometimes I can’t believe how fast the week goes.” I laughed and told her I completely understood. Time flies on wings of lightning. Sometimes I just can’t believe that I have had 5 children, and waiting for my 6th. I can’t believe that these are my people, the ones that rely on me for everything, need me, want me, love me, hate me…they are mine and I am theirs.

This week the saying, “the days are long but the years are short” went through my mind multiple times. I wasn’t feeling good much of the week, Jeremy was out of town, and therefore all responsibilities fell on my shoulders.

Last night we had cereal or leftovers for dinner. The night before we went out and the night before that…well, I can’t remember now because I was feeling so yucky.

I don’t think my kids will remember this week as a great parental failure though. While I did lose my cool once (think poop on the floor, toddler covered head to toe in it as I am trying to help a certain 6 year old find her swim suit so we can go to swim practice) the rest of the time I was pretty even keeled.

Now that Jeremy is home and I have all hands on deck once again, I can look back and say the week was pretty short. Where did it go?

I try to make lasting memories with my children. I can’t buy them everything their little hearts desire. We don’t go on big vacations, we can’t do the things their friends with 2 or 3 kids in their families can do, but we try to give them the best we can. And most of the time it works out really well. We go swimming, we go on walks, we fly kites and try to have fun when we can.

This week has flown by, just as all the others to come are sure to do. I’ve said it before, this time is fleeting so I will try my hardest to enjoy it as much as I can.

Filed Under: my life, the kidlets

Not as Safe as I Thought

April 22, 2013 By 5 Comments

It was a beautiful Saturday evening. The sun was setting, the water was warm, the laughter abundant. My good friend Leilani and I were down at a creek in a residential neighborhood taking my maternity pictures. She is an amazing photographer and I am lucky enough to have her capture this final pregnancy for me.

Little did we know while I was splashing in the water, trying not to fall and laughing so hard, that just 20 feet away we were being violated horribly.

After the shoot, we walked back to our cars. Talking about birth, friends and family – we were happy, laughing and having a good time. We got to our cars and Leilani got in hers. She said, “My window is broken!”. At first I thought maybe a rock from a passing car hit her window and shattered it. Then I realized it was the window on the creek side of the street. Her purse was gone. I was shocked and immediately went to check mine. My front passenger window was also broken.

My diaper bag was gone. My diaper bag, my wallet, my sunglasses, my make up, a FuzziBunz cloth diaper, and who knows what else was in there. Those are the things I can remember right now.

Immediately I was so glad I had taken my phone with me. I called Jeremy right away so he could start canceling all of our cards. Then we went to the neighbor’s house across the street to find out what police station we were to call. We didn’t know if we were still in Austin, or if it was one of the small outlying towns. They were as shocked as we were. Normally they sit on the porch in the evening, but that night there was a game on TV, so they were watching it.

We filed police reports, cleaned up glass a bit so we could drive home, hugged and said goodbye.

I feel so violated. I assume that whoever stole my bag just did it out of opportunity. I doubt it was premeditated. They saw that we left our bags in our cars, and they took advantage of it. I imagine my bag is in a dumpster somewhere. But I can’t help being scared that they have my address, they know my children’s names, they know my husband’s name and his work phone number. They have my day planner, so they know my daily activities and schedules. They have my business cards – they could be reading this very post.

I have been checking and double checking the doors and windows in my house. Making sure they are all locked, all the time. My blinds are closed, my gate is locked, my trust in this world is shaken. My children know that bad things can happen to them and I hate it. I hate that their secure little bubble has been popped.

I don’t understand what makes people think what is mine is theirs. What makes someone think they can just break into my car and take my things? It is so baffling to me. I hope it was worth it to them. I hope the $17 in cash and canceled credit cards and my shaken faith in human kind was worth it.

Filed Under: my life

Those Moments

April 15, 2013 By 1 Comment

There are moments in time you never want to forget. First kisses, wedding days, the birth of your babies. Those are the obvious ones. Sometimes I find it a challenge to find beauty in the mundane. I do the same things every day. Dishes, laundry, changing diapers, getting kids ready for school, packing lunches….the list is never ending.

But there are those moments, the ones that make you stop and say, this is what it is all about.

When they gang up on Dad and are all laughing and plotting against him with each other,

playing a game, sharing and being kind.

Elliott waking up from his nap and wanting to snuggle with me until he sees the cat outside

warm sunshine on our faces and just being together.

Those moments make it all worth it. They are the moments I live for.

 

Hey, while you’re here, make sure you check out my awesome giveaway from Minted!

Filed Under: kidlets, my life

Someday there won’t be toys.

April 10, 2013 By 8 Comments

Someday there won’t be toys strewn around my house.

My home will be clean.

I won’t be wiping down counters, tables, and cabinets from spilled milk, juice and yogurt.

Someday I won’t have to sweep 5 times a day.

Cheerios, LEGO’s, hair ties, pens, pencils, binkies and bits of dinner will no longer litter my floors.

I will be able to watch whatever I want on TV, whenever I want.

I won’t worry about who is in the room, and what they might see.

I won’t rush anyone to bed so I can go fold laundry and watch my shows.

There will be no one to tuck in, no one to sing to, tell secrets to, and to love on at bedtime.

There will be no after nap snuggles, no random “I love you’s” and spontaneous hugs around my legs.

Someday I will be able to write without anyone sitting on my lap or climbing all over me.

I will get to sit and read a book that doesn’t have pictures.

Someday I will send them all to school and be alone in my kitchen.

No more PBS Kids in the morning, no more begging for Mine Craft after school.

Someday I will be done washing diapers, waking in the middle of the night to someone crawling in my bed and

my laundry will diminish significantly.

Someday they will grow and won’t need me as much.

Someday it will be quiet in my house. No more yelling, screaming, crying, or hearing them laugh, play and imagine with each other.

They will grow too fast, they will leave me too soon, they will start their own lives and I will be left here

alone in the silence of my clean house.

-just write

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