November 6, 2013 By kborchert
In the darkness of my soul it comes.
Tells me I am no good, I am ugly, I am fat.
Reminds me of my failures, my shortcomings, my weaknesses.
Magnifies my struggles and makes me feel more alone than I have ever felt.
Int he darkness I hear the words…
You’re not good enough. You never have been. You never will be.
They deserve better than you, they always have.
Who do you think you are kidding? No one is fooled by your smile. they all see you for what you are.
The darkness envelops me. I cry out begging for it not to come. I do everything I can think of to keep it from taking over my mind, but it doesn’t work.
Inevitably, I fail. I always have and I always will.
The darkness reminds me of that small truth.
In the darkness I fidget. I am anxious, worried about everyone and everything.
The children play outside, I sit inside nursing the baby, again.
The darkness reminds me again that I am not enough.
It screams in my ear, the children will get hit by a car, the other Moms can be outside, why can’t you, they are all judging you. They know you are just a fake, you’re lazy, you’re a bad Mom.
So, I give in to the darkness and tell my children to come inside. I am overcome with self loathing and yell at them, Come inside and clean up this mess.
But the real mess is the one they can’t clean up. It’s the mess that bothers me the most.
it is the mess in my mind.
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