In the Dark no more.

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It is no secret I have depression. I have always been very open about that here. The tricky thing about depression though, is it is so isolating. It makes you not want to do things you love. It tells you lies and you believe those lies.

The lies I have been hearing and believing lately are;

You are not a good enough writer. Why even try?

No one reads your blog anyway, maybe it’s time to delete it.

You are not good enough. You’ve been doing this for 9 years and you are no better now than you were when you started.

Look at all the other bloggers with more page views, more followers, more opportunities. You will never be that kind of blogger. So just stop.

This goes on and on. It primarily happens any time I sit down to write. And it’s not just writing. It happens anytime I sit down to do anything I once loved. Writing, sewing, reading for my upcoming Doula training, running, weight lifting, cycling…you get the idea.

I have recently found a wonderful therapist and she is helping me see the lies depression is telling me. She is helping me load my tool belt with things to help me when I am struggling. One of them is writing again.

I once loved this space. I loved writing, connecting, and being with all of you. Blogging is so very different now than it was when I started in 2006. At that time there was a real sense of community. We left comments on peoples posts. We had long conversations in those comments. We made friendships that would last a lifetime. I have met some of my very best friends through blogging. Now many of those conversations happen on Facebook and Instagram. It is hard for me to remember that and navigate this new way of blogging.

When I look back to the times when I was happiest, I was writing and sewing every day. These are things that filled my soul. I have realized that when I stopped blogging and closed my Etsy shop, I stopped getting that outward recognition. While I love my family and my children, it is not enough. I need fulfillment from somewhere outside these walls. I need to be seen as more than a wife and a Mom. I need to be Kim, and in writing, sewing, running, cycling, swimming (you get the idea)  I get that.

As part of my healing process, I am going to start blogging more often. I am going to set aside time daily to write. I may or may not post daily, but I will write. I will allow myself to let Elliott watch Jake and the Neverland Pirates (or whatever is his favorite at the moment) while Zachary sleeps. This will give me time to write.

I am also teaching Amelia to sew. I bought a learn to sew pattern for her, and she is excited to make a dress for herself. I am going to sew myself a new dress and enjoy the process.

I am also training for a triathlon. You might remember I did one right before I got pregnant with Zachary. I absolutely loved it and can’t wait to do it again. The tri I am doing is on Labor Day, so I have lots of time to train and get ready for this great adventure.

I feel a little like Kimmy Schmidt (if you haven’t watched Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, you MUST) and I am stepping out of the bunker. I am coming out of the dark that has been consuming my soul for the last 2 years. I am going to take care of myself so I can be a better person. Notice I didn’t say Mom or Wife?

I want to be a better person…all aspects of me.

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